Tasks for the Turks
by JenesisX
Summary: Now that they're living under Avalanche's protection, Tseng, Elena, Reno, and Rude are expected to help out around the base. Yuffie is placed in charge for the day, and she has a list of rather interesting jobs for the Turks. (Occurs in my Irony of Fate Alternate Universe; currently on hiatus)
1. The Task Master

Yuffie was excited as she practically bounced up the stairs inside the old building, feeling quite full of herself. Finally, she had been assigned to do something other than standing around guarding a location where nothin_g_ ever happened. Well, except that _one_ time… Maybe Vincent was finally starting to trust her after all. Perhaps he'd even treat her like a real member of the security team if she did a good job!

She grinned at the thought, tightly clutching a piece of paper in one small hand. She was going to show everyone that she was a responsible adult now, and that she could handle important assignments like this one. Reaching the top of the stairs, she paused on the small landing and looked back and forth between the two doors. She wasn't sure who lived where, but supposed it didn't really matter. She had orders for all of them.

Clearing her throat, trying to stand taller than she was and putting on what she hoped was an authoritative expression, Yuffie knocked three times on one of the doors. She then took a few steps to the left and did the same on the second. She quickly returned to the center of the landing, trying not to fidget as she waited.

There were heavy footsteps to her right, and after some fumbling on the opposite side the door slowly creaked opened. A moment later, Yuffie's jaw dropped and her eyes almost popped out of her head.

Standing in the doorway, his long hair loose and hanging messily into his face, Reno blinked at her sleepily as if he didn't recognize her at first. What was disturbing was the fact that he was wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxer shorts and a single white sock.

"Huh?" he mumbled, finally managing to focus his eyes on her.

"Oh gods, _gross! _Go put some clothes on! Yuck!"

Reno blinked and looked down at himself as if he hadn't realized he was nearly naked. "Oh, sorry, heh… You woke me up."

"It's after eight… You guys knew what time you started work today!"

Reno grumbled something under his breath and wandered back into the apartment to get dressed, pushing the door part-way closed behind him. At least she hoped that's what he was doing.

Yuffie had almost forgotten about the door across the hallway when she heard it open, jumping a bit with surprise. Reno had definitely screwed up her concentration… Dammit, she was _not_ going to let him mess this up for her! To her great relief, when Tseng and Elena stepped out into the hallway, they were both completely dressed and obviously ready for the day. They still looked so weird to her out of their old uniforms…

"Oh, thank the gods. At least you guys didn't come to the door naked," Yuffie said, grinning a bit. She watched the couple exchange curious glances out of the corners of their eyes. A moment later, Rude emerged from the apartment Reno had reentered, also fully clothed and already wearing his sunglasses. Yuffie wasn't quite sure what to do while they stood around waiting for Reno, feeling awkward and unsure of herself. She hardly knew any of them, and considering what her purpose was that day, she doubted they would want to socialize with her beforehand. She began to nervously tap one foot, pretending to read over the instructions in her hand and hoping she appeared completely at ease.

Thankfully, Reno soon rejoined them, now wearing a wrinkled gray t-shirt and worn jeans with a large hole at one knee. His red hair had clearly not been brushed, but was instead pulled messily into a ponytail at the base of his neck. His sunglasses rested atop his head, and he was already in the process of finishing a cigarette. Yuffie cleared her throat, quickly looking over the small group before consulting the orders she held.

"Okay… Rude and Elena, you guys are going to meet Aeris outside the florist shop and help her plant some flowers around the base for spring," Yuffie said, trying to make her voice sound more mature. "Reno and Tseng, you'll come with me and take care of this list of tasks Cloud wrote up for you."

"Wait, what? I have to stay with _you _all day?" Reno exclaimed, his blue eyes wide. "Are you kidding me? That's not fair!"

"Those are the orders Vincent gave me," Yuffie said, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the redhead. What was his freaking problem with her, anyway?

"How come _Rude_ gets to go hang out with Aeris and do easy stuff? That's bullshit."

Yuffie shrugged, smirking a bit at his displeasure. "I dunno, I didn't make the orders. I'm just following 'em!"

Rude grinned widely at his friend. "Stop your whining," he said, looking quite smug. "I'm sure you guys will have a great time together."

"Like hell! Dude, come on. Trade me!"

"No way… I like to garden," Rude replied seriously. Soon, everyone was gaping at him. He folded his arms across his broad chest, glaring down at them from his superior height. "Is there something _wrong_ with that?" Elena tried to smother a giggle by covering her mouth with one hand while Reno snickered at his friend.

"Not at all, honey," Reno joked. "Go have fun with the other girls."

"Hey, fuck you. You're just jealous…"

Reno pouted. Tseng, at least, remained stoic and didn't so much as say a word. Yuffie was relieved. She had a feeling dealing with Reno was going to be hard enough. She was grateful to Vincent for the way he had divided the group, though for just a moment, she contemplated the benefits of allowing Reno to actually switch places with Rude. She'd much prefer the presence of the large, quiet bald man to his annoying friend. But she was not about to let Reno have his way and quickly pushed the thought from her mind. Orders were orders, after all.

"But… but… I'm pregnant?" Reno said with a hopeful grin, making one last attempt to get out of his assignment. Elena punched him in the arm and he winced, frowning as he rubbed the spot. "Ow…"

"Come on, Turkeys," Yuffie said with a gesture toward the exit, rolling her eyes and trotting down the stairs. "We've got work to do!"


	2. Task One: To Bee Or Not To Bee

**Task One: To Bee or Not to Bee**

"Okay, guys!" Yuffie said excitedly as she led Reno and Tseng down Main Street, glancing down at her list of orders for the day. "Task number one: 'Remove the beehive outside Cloud's apartment building.'"

"… And why can't Cloud do that for himself?" Tseng asked, looking mildly annoyed. Yuffie really couldn't blame him. This was a far cry from being the powerful and respected leader of Shin-ra's elite Turks, after all.

"He's allergic to bee stings," Yuffie said with a shrug. That was what he'd told her, anyway.

"Whatever. How hard can this be?" Reno asked, finishing up yet another cigarette and tossing it onto the ground. Yuffie glared at him for a moment. She knew she saw cleaning up the litter in town _some_where on the list…

Yuffie soon stopped outside the block of row homes in which Cloud and Tifa resided, looking around for their target. "Hmm… He said it was right- _HOLY SHIT!_" she shrieked in Wutaiin, stopping dead and pointing just ahead of them in horror.

Just above a narrow alleyway that ran beneath the building was the biggest beehive she'd ever seen in her life. Tseng's eyes were already locked upon it, but he managed not to give away his reaction. Reno, however, instantly began to back-peddle.

"I'm allergic, too!" he quickly exclaimed, his blue eyes wide. "Like, _deathly_. One sting and I'm a goner!"

"No you aren't…" Tseng said dryly, rolling his eyes. "Coward."

Reno glared at him, having hoped he might play along. "But… gods, that thing is _huge_. And LOOK at them all… Do you suppose they're the stingy kind or the bitey kind?"

"They're Harbor Bees," Tseng informed him, his voice still nearly monotone. He was acting as professional as if he were leading a dangerous mission for Shin-ra. "They do both. Painfully."

"Fuuuuuck…" Reno almost whimpered. "Is this some kind of sick joke? Rude and Elena get to go gardening, and we're fighting off enormous, angry flower-jockeys?"

"I'll be waiting riiiight over there," Yuffie said, quickly retreating to the opposite side of the road. No way was she going to stick around to see how angry they could make the creatures. If anyone was going to be stung or bitten, it was _not_ going to be her! She wished she'd thought ahead and wore something more protective than just shorts and a tank top.

"Wait, what are we supposed to use to remove this?" Tseng asked her pointedly, holding out his empty hands. He still looked so strange to her out of his customary blue suit, wearing a tan button-down shirt and dark slacks, his hair pulled back into a neat ponytail. He was definitely overdressed for the job, though, especially when compared to Reno.

"Uh… I dunno. You're smart, Turkey, figure it!"

"….."

"Think we can get a hold of some bug killer somewhere?" Reno asked, inching a bit closer and cautiously peering at the swarming hive. It was easily four times the size of a bowling ball, hundreds of bullet-sized insects swarming and crawling all around it. The sound of their loud buzzing vibrated through the cool morning air.

Tseng shook his head. "Doubtful. I tried to locate some pesticide to get rid of the spiders in our apartment for Elena, but Aeris informed me that she doesn't allow such toxins to be used. They are 'bad for the Planet.'"

"God dammit… Well, normally, I'd probably just shoot the shit out of it until most of the bees died or took off, but yeah. All I've got is my lighter and half a pack of cigarettes. And I am _not_ wasting those. It's hard enough to convince these jokers to supply me with enough of them as it is…"

"Setting it on fire could work… But we'd have to get close enough to light it, and avoid burning down the entire block." Tseng looked down the long row of interconnected buildings with a thoughtful frown. He somehow doubted they'd be allowed to remain protected within Junon Harbor after destroying part of the base over a beehive.

"Well… there's a bat right over there," Reno said, pointing to a slender wooden object resting near one of the doorways. "Better than nothing?"

"I'm not sure that's a very wise idea," Tseng warned him, shaking his head and sighing as Reno went to retrieve it anyway. If he hadn't listened when Tseng was actually his boss, why should he start now?

"Okay, mother fuckers," Reno said, taking a deep breath and getting into position. "Time to die!" He prepared to charge, and Tseng had to look away. He could hear Yuffie already snickering across the road. It seemed even she was wise enough to realize what was about to happen.

Reno charged like a bull released from its pen, holding the bat high over his head and letting out a yell of fury. When he reached the hive, he slammed the weapon into it with all his might. The hive swayed a bit but remained firmly attached to the ceiling of the alley. Within seconds, many more hundreds of bees exited their lair. And now they were pissed.

"SHIT!" Reno exclaimed, instantly swarmed by a living cloud of the creatures. He dropped the bat, letting out a scream as the most aggressive of them began to sting and bite his exposed flesh. "Help!"

"Run to the water!" Tseng called to him, backing up a bit to avoid attracting any attention himself. Reno turned and began to run across the street toward the docks, frantically waving his arms in the air and shrieking. Yuffie was doubled over in hysterics, her face bright red as tears streamed down her cheeks. Tseng was himself fighting not to laugh. He was a bit concerned for Reno, but the sight of him fleeing the swarm was hilarious. And it wasn't as if he didn't deserve it…

Reno soon reached the end of the dock directly across the road and didn't hesitate before leaping in, cannonball-style. A large splash rose up toward the sky, discouraging the bees who still followed from coming any closer. He stayed under water a full minute, causing Yuffie to peer over the edge with concern.

"Er… Can he swim?" she asked as Tseng joined her, watching the rest of the bees retreat toward their home. It seemed they were satisfied that they'd finished off the intruder.

"Of course he can. He was a Turk."

A second later, Reno's head suddenly burst through the surface of the water, his sunglasses somehow still perched upon it. He gasped for air and sputtered a bit, spitting out a mouthful of the polluted ocean with disgust.

"Urk… gross…" he gagged, starting to swim toward the dock. When he reached them, Tseng offered him a hand and pulled him up out of the water. Reno remained on his hands and knees, soaking wet and trying to catch his breath. He looked down at his arms and winced. Slowly but surely, many raised red welts were appearing on his pale flesh. There were several visible on his neck as well, and one on his left cheek. "They got me, boss," he said in a dramatic voice, flopping over sideways and sprawling out at Tseng's feet. "Goodbye, cruel world!" He pretended to go into spasms, gasped for air one last time, and began to play dead. He was convincing due to past experience, but neither of his companions bought it for a second.

"_Perhaps he has never heard the expression 'stirring up a hornet's nest',_" Tseng said to Yuffie in Wutaiin, ignoring Reno's 'death.' _"Imbecile…"_

Yuffie giggled, looking up at him in surprise. She hadn't realized there was a sense of humor hidden in there somewhere. Maybe he wasn't such an uptight jackass after all. _"He's certainly not the fastest chocobo in the race… How did he ever survive as a Turk, anyway?"_

The corpse of Reno opened one eye. "Yo, knock that shit off… It's rude!" He hadn't understood a thing they said, though the last word Tseng spoke sounded oddly familiar. He seemed to recall hearing it used in reference to him before.

"It's not my fault you can barely speak _one _language, let alone a second," Tseng said with just a hint of a smirk. Reno glared up at him and stuck out his tongue.

"Hey, look. It lives!" Yuffie kicked Reno in the shin, causing him to flinch and bolt into a sitting position.

"You little snot! Kicking a man when he's down…"

Yuffie reached out toward him and offered her hand, helping a very soggy Reno to his feet. Once he was standing again, dripping wet and shivering, she grinned and kicked him in the opposite leg.

"Ow! Bitch!"

Yuffie smirked evilly, her dark eyes shining. "I may be, but that beehive is still over there," she said, pointing. "Get to it!"

Tseng lifted a thoughtful hand to his chin, mulling over their situation. Reno was still pouting, examining the welts that were continuing to rise on his arms.

"I think I need a doctor," Reno said, though aside from the angry red marks covering him he seemed just fine. "I am _not_ going back over there! Your turn, boss."

"I'm thinking," Tseng said, his dark eyes scanning their surroundings. "Some of us prefer to do that before we act."

Reno snorted, and Yuffie snickered behind his back. "Wet jeans feel disgusting…" he muttered in reply, still sulking over his condition.

"Not my fault you pissed off all the bees and had to jump in the water!" Yuffie teased, looking him over with a smirk. "You look like a drowned rat. And you smell even funkier than before."

"Water…" Tseng said, thinking out loud. "Bees hate water. Of course!"

He turned and made his way across the street with purpose in his step, heading to the end of the long block of housing and turning the corner. Yuffie broke into a jog and followed him, somewhat alarmed that he might be trying to get away without finishing the job. When she reached the end of the block, however, she found him standing before a large fire hydrant. A long, thick hose was attached to it and wound-up against the side of the building. With so many of the buildings connected to each other in endless rows, the smallest fire could spread quickly throughout the base, so the city was well-prepared to prevent such a disaster. There were many similar stations set up throughout Junon Harbor, and Yuffie felt a bit silly that she hadn't thought of the idea herself. Not that she would have necessarily decided to share it with them…

Reno caught up to them as Tseng began unraveling the hose, handing the end to him so he could begin dragging it back toward the hive. After a few feet, however, Reno suddenly dropped it to the ground, firmly shaking his head.

"No way, man. I'm staying way the fuck back here this time!"

Tseng sighed heavily, briefly closing his eyes as if searching for patience, but wordlessly switched positions with his partner. Yuffie was again surprised at him, having fully expected him to tell Reno to shut up and get on with it. Soon, they had enough length unwound to allow Tseng to come within a few feet of the hive, and he held up a hand to let Reno know he was close enough. He got a tight grip on the end of the hose and directed the nozzle toward their target.

"Turn it on, full force!" he called, a look of determination on his face.

"Yes, sir!" Reno shouted, looking positively giddy as he opened the valve and turned the water pressure on as high as it would go. Yuffie watched expectantly, standing about half-way between Tseng and the redhead.

Tseng took a stance Yuffie recognized from her martial arts training in order to keep his balance, a shrill squeaking filling the air as Reno opened the valve. It was followed by the sound of rushing water, and the long hose began to swell inch by inch. In no time at all, the water had reached the end and burst forth from the nozzle with a sudden, powerful jolt.

Tseng's entire body moved with the force of it, but he didn't lose his footing and held on tight. A mighty arc of water blasted forth and slammed into the hive, drenching it and most of the bees. They dropped to the ground, either dead or too wet to fly. The hive remained in place for the first five seconds, but finally the combination of water and velocity ripped it away from the building and sent it flying into the road. It bounced a few times, then began to roll.

"Oh yeah!" Reno shouted, pumping a fist in the air as he watched. He broke into a run, reaching the scene of the carnage and beginning to jump up and down on the bees littering the road. "Die, fuckers, _die!_"

Tseng blasted the remaining air born creatures to the ground, then advanced upon the hive. Keeping the jet stream of water perfectly aimed, he moved forward like a professional fighting a fire, slowly but surely. Soon, the water propelled the hive clear across the road, and finally right off the end of the dock. There was a splash as it went rolling into the ocean, taking most of the remaining Harbor Bees with it.

Reno was still vigorously stomping the wet bees in the road, enjoying his revenge. Tseng took care of the few who still dared to hover about, confused and angry, then used the hose to wash away the many corpses. Finally, there was not a buzzing critter in sight, and the older Turk signaled for Yuffie to turn off the water. She gladly did so, relieved that her charges had actually managed to accomplish the task. Maybe they would make her look good after all.

"We are so fucking awesome!" Reno exclaimed as they began to roll up the hose, grinning from ear to ear.

"What do you mean, 'we'?" Tseng inquired, raising an eyebrow at him. "I'm fairly sure that was a display of _my_ amazing powers of observation and improvisation."

"Er… yeah, whatever you say, boss."

A window scraped opened above them, the sound of clapping filling the air a second later. Tseng looked up and spotted Tifa leaning outside from the second floor, applauding them enthusiastically. "Good job, guys!" she called out. "Thanks _so_ much. Now Cloud can stop using the rear fire escape to get in and out of here!"

Reno struck a pose, flexing his muscles before blowing her a kiss. Tseng bowed respectfully, causing Yuffie to giggle. She had to admit it… These guys were pretty entertaining. Maybe the former Turks weren't so bad after all.

"Okay, guys," she said, still grinning. "Nice work! Let's see what's next on the agenda…"

* * *

><p><strong>((Up next… "Task Two: Choco-pecked!"))<strong>


	3. Task Two: Chocopecked

**Task Two: Choco-Pecked**

Yuffie cleared her throat, trying to keep a straight face as she read off the next task on the list. Man, even _she _thought this was a bit harsh.

"Clean the chocobo stalls and feed everyone. Do NOT skip Nightmare."

"What? I'm a Turk, not a shit-scooper!" Reno exclaimed indignantly. He had finally stopped dripping from his early morning swim, though he looked as if he had some kind of plague due to all the bee stings and bites adorning his exposed skin.

Tseng sighed quietly. "I hope you are thoroughly enjoying having us in this position." He sounded a bit defeated, and Yuffie briefly felt a little guilty. The fact that he was willing to turn himself over to Avalanche and put up with such treatment to protect his girlfriend and unborn child was far more impressive and adorable than she was ever going to acknowledge. Gross… She was getting sentimental in her old age.

"We better at least get shovels or something," Reno muttered as they walked down Main Street toward the stalls. "By the way… Why did it say something about not skipping one?"

Yuffie innocently shrugged her shoulders in what she hoped was a convincing display of ignorance. "Uh, I dunno…" Tseng gave her a suspicious look, clearly able to tell she was lying. She swallowed nervously under his penetrating gaze and forced a grin. "Maybe he's a little temperamental or something…"

They turned down a smaller unpaved road, the stables visible at the end. An enclosed pen surrounded the building, allowing the chocobos a generous area for exercise and grazing. The old wooden building housed about a dozen of the large birds, ranging from the regular yellow variety to green, blue and black. Some had already been there when Avalanche took over the base while others, such as the pair Tseng and Rude had arrived with, were newer additions.

"Eww, I smell it already," Reno complained as they approached the building, making a disgusted face.

"That's what you're here for!" Yuffie smirked. She frowned and briefly held a hand to her nose, trying not to let the odor make her ill. She hated how sensitive a stomach she had and was doing her best to overcome the weakness. It was embarrassing, and after spending so much time traveling on the Highwind, she'd puked enough to last her the rest of her life.

Tseng pulled open the heavy wooden door to the excited warks of the stables' occupants. Suddenly twenty-four eyes were upon them, staring expectantly as they chattered to each other. A few began to dance in their stalls, clearly hopeful that fresh greens were about to arrive. Yuffie couldn't help but grin at their enthusiasm.

"Hi, birdies," Reno said half-heartedly, absently patting the closest green female on the head as she leaned over the gate to her stall. The two black chocobos nearby became especially excited when Tseng approached, obviously remembering him from their few days together traveling from Midgar. He took a moment to greet each of them and lightly scratch their heads before scanning the building for the tools they'd need.

After spotting several shovels and taking note of the stack of fresh hay in one corner, Tseng silently retrieved one and got right to work. He started at the beginning of the row, using a rope hanging on the wall to lasso the first chocobo and walk it to an empty stall across the way. He then returned to its original location and began to shovel out the soiled hay, tossing it into a large wheelbarrow to be taken outside to the compost pile. Reno stood and watched him work until he was nearly done and ready to move on to the second stall before he finally heaved a sigh, took hold of his own shovel and rope, and started in on one of his own.

Yuffie perched herself atop an old wooden crate, swinging her legs and watching the two former Turks at work. Tseng completely immersed himself in the task, wordlessly moving from stall to stall like an efficient machine. His expression remained neutral and he didn't bother to complain. Reno took easily three times as long and moved much slower, clearly taking his time and grumbling under his breath all the while. It seemed he was dragging his feet on purpose, realizing Tseng would end up doing the majority of the stalls if he took forever. He was pretending to do a very thorough job and spending extra time petting and feeding each bird, but Yuffie knew what he was doing and rolled her eyes. She didn't say anything, though, because she would have done the exact same thing. Why kill yourself when someone else was willing to do most of the dirty work for you?

As she watched the two men work, Yuffie couldn't help but notice how fit and well-built they were. She supposed Turks must have to go through a lot of training and conditioning, noting how easily the two moved the bails of hay, the muscles of their arms and shoulders clearly visible. She wasn't quite sure just how old Tseng was, but knew he looked a lot younger than her rough guess based on what little information she had about him. He was quite attractive, she thought, blushing a little. Definitely way too serious and uptight for her tastes, though. She wondered what it was that Elena saw in him, aside from his looks and obvious loyalty to her. Maybe he was different behind closed doors.

Reno was a bit shorter than his friend and quite slender, but there was a wiry strength about him. His long limbs were tightly muscled and he was much stronger than he appeared. Even though his clothing and hair were a mess, and she couldn't recall him ever looking neat and clean even when he'd been wearing his poor excuse for a suit, Yuffie had to admit that he was rather cute. He had an attractive face despite the two long scars adorning his cheeks, and his blue eyes were the color of a clear afternoon sky. His mane of wild red hair gave him an almost exotic appearance in a way, standing out against his pale complexion and running down his back to his waist. She shook her head, a bit disgusted and annoyed with herself. The guy was definitely _not_ her type, and he was crude and annoying to boot! He also smoked, which she found absolutely repulsive. Still, she couldn't help but watch as he continued to take his time cleaning out his third stall. Tseng was already on his sixth.

Before too much longer, only one stall remained. It was located farthest down the row, nearly lost in a dark corner. Inside stood an abnormally tall black chocobo, his eyes trained on them suspiciously. When Tseng began to approach his stall, he took a half-step backward and hissed, stomping his foot in agitation.

"Ooh, so _this_ is the one the note said not to forget," Reno said, coming a bit closer and partially hiding behind his friend. He pointed to the nameplate on the stall door, which read 'Nightmare.' "Wow, he's a big fucker, too."

"Uh, yeah… You _probably _want to be careful," Yuffie said, finally feeling the need to warn them before things went any further. "He's kind of a jerk. For whatever reason, the only person he lets ride him is Sephiroth. He hates everyone else… and he bites."

"Wonderful…" Tseng said, frowning as he studied the angry bird. Nightmare continued to snort in his general direction, his eyes distrustful and threatening. "Well, be careful, then, Reno." He nodded to the redhead and briefly placed a supportive hand upon his shoulder. He then turned and walked across the stables, stopping to casually lean against the large crate beside Yuffie.

"Wait, what?" Reno exclaimed, turning to face his former boss with a look of alarm. "What are you doing, man?"

"Do you not think I noticed how many stalls you cleaned compared to myself?" Tseng asked, raising an eyebrow a bit smugly, a slight smirk crossing his face. "You more than owe me."

"But… but!"

Tseng only shook his head and folded his arms across his chest. "Go on now, we don't have all day."

Reno glared at him for a moment and seemed about to reply, but it seemed Tseng's authority over him still remained. He finally heaved a sigh and turned back to Nightmare, cautiously eyeing the tall creature.

"_This ought to be good,_"Tseng said quietly in Wutaiin, causing the young ninja to giggle beside him. She'd been thinking the same thing.

"Um, hi," Reno said, slowly holding out his hand toward the black chocobo to show that he meant no harm. Nightmare responded by hissing again, louder, then punctuated the sound by spitting a large blob of dark mucus directly onto the center of Reno's shirt. "Gah!" He quickly moved backward several paces, looking down at himself with disgust. "What the _fuck_, bird!"

Yuffie started laughing, trying to cover it up by coughing and turning bright red with the effort. She noticed that Tseng was looking down at the ground, attempting to hide a satisfied grin. His shoulders shook a bit as if he was trying very hard not to laugh himself.

"Look, yo. All I want to do is clean up your god damn shit and throw you some fucking greens so I can get the hell out of this stinking place," Reno said, glaring at Nightmare with his hands on his hips. "Do you want to live in your own filth and starve to death? Because I _really_ don't fucking care one way or the other…"

Nightmare hissed and stomped his foot again as if he understood every word, profanity and all.

"Screw you too!" Reno exclaimed, this time able to sidestep before another glob of chocobo spit reached him. It landed on the ground beside his shoe with a splat. He turned to Tseng and Yuffie helplessly, his back to the hostile bird. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

Just as Tseng began to suggest he attempt to lure the creature from his stall to a clean one using some of the most rare and expensive greens, Nightmare stretched his long neck over the stall door and firmly bit Reno on the rear.

Reno jumped a foot in the air and yelped, grabbing his ass with both hands and whirling around the face the chocobo indignantly. "OWW! You son of a bitch! What did I ever do to you?"

"Wark!" Nightmare exclaimed. When Yuffie looked at him, his eyes seemed to be shining with amusement.

Reno quickly retreated across the stable to his companions, shaking his head and still rubbing his rear end with one hand. "No way, man. I am _not_ dealing with that. I quit! Take me out back and shoot me if you have to, but I'm fucking done."

"But the orders say not to skip him," Yuffie insisted with a frown. She didn't want to look like a failure to her teammates because of a chocobo with an attitude problem. "Come on, Reno, be a man!"

Reno was about to open his mouth with an angry retort when Nightmare suddenly began to dance in his pen, his warks changing in tone from hostile to jubilant. Yuffie followed his gaze and was surprised to see Sephiroth entering the stables, a small bucket of fresh greens in one gloved hand. For perhaps the first time ever, she found she was actually glad to see him.

"Oh, you have perfect timing!" Yuffie exclaimed, hopping down from the crate and running over to him excitedly. He looked confused and a bit annoyed, but tilted his head curiously at the diminutive ninja.

"Thank god," Reno said, sighing with relief. "You can deal with your own fucking psychotic chocobo. I'm gonna go have a smoke!" Still hobbling a bit and grumbling about his aching rear, Reno turned and walked outside, his lighter and pack of cigarettes already in hand. Sephiroth silently watched him go, then seemed to realize what had happened.

"Is Nightmare being difficult again?" he asked, looking toward the excited black bird with undeniable fondness. He almost seemed proud…

"You could say that," Yuffie grinned, shaking her head. "He spit on Reno and then bit his ass. It was awesome!"

To her surprise, Sephiroth broke into an amused smirk and actually laughed a little. She was so shocked that she actually took a step backward before she could stop herself.

"I will take care of him," he finally replied, approaching the bird without hesitation. Nightmare leaned as far out of his stall as he could, cooing and rubbing his head into Sephiroth's touch as the man began to pet him.

"Amazing," Tseng said, shaking his head and clearly impressed. "At least he likes someone…"

Sephiroth shrugged. "We understand each other… Is that not right, Nightmare?" He turned back to the smitten bird, whose eyes were now closed in pure bliss. Yuffie stared in awe for several moments, then turned back to Tseng with a puzzled expression and a shrug of her own.

"Well, whatever, I guess… C'mon, that means we can get out of here and move on to something that hopefully doesn't smell so bad! Where the hell did Reno get off to…"

The two turned and left the stables, leaving Sephiroth to care for the infatuated Nightmare and hoping Reno hadn't taken the opportunity to sneak off or accidentally start a fire in the hay.

* * *

><p>((<strong>Author's Notes: <strong>Up Next: "Let's Go Fly a Kite." Do **YOU** want to help torture the Turks? Feel free to leave suggestions for our heroes in your review! Or PM if you prefer. Thanks for the reviews and adding me to your favorites and alerts, it is much appreciated and highly inspiring! ~ JenesisX))


	4. Task Three: Let's Go Fly a Kite

**Task Three: Let's Go Fly a Kite**

After retrieving Reno and making sure he properly disposed of his cigarette butt, Yuffie unfolded the list of tasks and quickly checked to see what was next on the agenda.

"Oh hey, this is an easy one, guys," she said, grinning with relief. "Retrieve Marlene's kite from the tree outside her apartment building."

"Seriously?" Reno scoffed, already smoking yet again as they walked. It seemed he was hoping a sudden bout of cancer might get him out of work. "That'll take like thirty seconds."

"Let me guess. There is no ladder or anything else that would normally be used," Tseng said dryly, looking upward and studying the heights of the few trees along Main Street. They were old, predating the base by many decades, and definitely massive.

"Uh… probably," Yuffie admitted, blushing. She hadn't thought to look over the list the night before when she'd received it from Vincent to see what they might require. Well, live and learn.

Tseng sighed, but Reno still looked confident. "It'll still be a piece of cake! I'm awesome at climbing trees."

Yuffie checked the address written beside the task on her list, not having had any real reason to remember exactly where Marlene and Barret lived. After walking another two blocks, she finally spotted the correct number on the front of a building and stopped, peering across the street at a very tall oak tree. Looking up, she squinted until she spotted something bright and colorful about twenty-five feet from the ground, well tangled among the branches.

"There it is!" she said, pointing and approaching the thick trunk. Reno and Tseng followed her finger and soon spotted it as well.

"Of course it's waaaay the fuck up there…"

"You said you were 'awesome' at climbing trees," Tseng reminded him, still gazing upward.

"Did I? I don't remember that…"

"You did," Yuffie said with a bit of frustration, turning to him with a pointed expression and her hands on her slender hips. "So get going!"

Reno frowned and sighed, taking a moment to study the tree. The first of its branches were out of his reach, so he turned to Tseng and shrugged. "Boost me on up there, I guess."

Tseng crouched down and cupped his hands together in front of him, Reno lifting one of his feet and placing it into them. With impressive strength, Tseng was able to lift his partner until he could grab a hold of the lowest thick branch, effortlessly pulling himself up into the tree. Once he was perched atop the branch, he looked upward as if mapping out the best route.

"Hmmm… seems sturdy enough. You better catch me if I fall, though! _Rude_ would catch me," he insisted, looking down at Tseng a bit skeptically. He was nowhere near Rude's size and strength, but he simply nodded.

"Of course."

Reno frowned in concentration and began to move upward through the tree's thick branches, slowly but surely. He'd made several feet of progress when the sound of a door opening and slamming shut across the street caught his attention. He paused, wrapping his arms around the trunk as he crouched against it, apparently unable to remain focused the moment there was a distraction.

A slender little girl with her dark hair pulled into pigtails was skipping across Main Street, headed directly for them. She had a wide smile on her face, waving excitedly.

"Hi Yuffie!" she called in an angelic voice, her brown eyes shining. Then she finally seemed to notice Tseng and shyly lowered her eyes, shuffling her feet. "Hi mister…" she nearly whispered.

"That's Tseng," Yuffie told her when the former Turk made no effort to introduce himself, seeming to feel almost as awkward as the little girl. "He's going to help get your kite down."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, raising her eyes and favoring him with a grin. "Thank you so much!"

Tseng nodded politely as a rather loud display of throat-clearing reached their ears. All three looked up, finding Reno raising an eyebrow and gesturing to himself pointedly.

"Little credit here?" he asked, ignoring Yuffie's eye rolling.

"Um, hi… Mister…?"

"Reno! Reno the Great, the most epic tree-climbing kite retriever ever to grace this wonderful Planet of ours!"

Marlene giggled with delight. Yuffie smacked herself in the forehead. Tseng groaned miserably.

"How did it get up there, anyway?" Yuffie asked her, watching as Reno finally got back to actually climbing the tree. Tseng remained directly below, spotting him as promised.

Now it was Marlene's turn to heave a very adult sigh of frustration.

"Daddy wanted a turn to fly my new kite, so I said yes 'cause it's important to share," she began to explain, carefully watching every move Reno made toward her treasured possession. She would make a fine supervisor someday. "And I said 'Daddy, don't go too close to the trees, 'cause it'll get stuck up there! But my Daddy is silly, and he doesn't listen to me sometimes."

The little girl shook her head, pigtails bouncing, and Yuffie snickered. Even Tseng could not help but crack a smile at her near-painful cuteness. Reno didn't seem to be listening, now fully engrossed in moving from branch to branch without losing his balance.

After advancing about five feet more, Reno suddenly paused, craning his neck to study something positioned out farther from the trunk along a sturdy, forked limb.

"Hey, there's a big nest up here!" he called down to the others, curiously inching out onto a particularly wide branch. "Cool." Distracted once more, he began to move toward it, intent on getting a closer look.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Tseng cautioned, shaking his head. "Sometimes, the mother bird-"

As if on cue, a loud, piercing squawk filled the air. Everyone's eyes were drawn to the sky, including Reno's, and he nearly slipped. Heading directly for the nest was a very large, very angry black bird, her unblinking eyes fixed on the threat to her offspring.

"Oh no!" Marlene gasped, eyes wide in horror. "Don't hurt the birdie, Mister Reno!"

"Yeah, sure, kid… Worry about the fuc- um… freaking bird!" he shouted, slowly backing toward the trunk as the bird aggressively launched itself into the tree. "Crap!"

With another angry shriek, it dove toward Reno beak-first, beginning to furiously peck at his head. Yelping, he raised his hands to cover his face, forgetting that he was perched precariously far above the ground and could not fly. The bird continued her attack, now scratching at his chest and shoulders with sharp talons as well.

"I'm not trying to hurt them, you stupid cunt!" he exclaimed, taking a swing at her. He finally lost his balance all together, slipping from the branch and beginning to fall toward the earth.

Marlene screamed, and Yuffie stopped laughing and covered her mouth with one hand. Reno was annoying, but she didn't relish the idea of watching him splatter on the ground right there in front of her. She also assumed Cloud and Vincent would consider her supervision a failure if half of her charges bought the farm.

Thankfully, the Turks were used to working as a team, and Tseng apparently knew how to keep a promise. He positioned himself beneath his teammate and managed to break his fall, though both of them were knocked to the ground. The bird seemed satisfied, peering down at them from her perch before hopping back to her nest in victory.

Reno was back on his feet instantly, but Yuffie was alarmed to see that Tseng was slow to get up. His expression was pained and he gripped his chest with one hand, though he remained stoic and said nothing.

"Ahh, damn, I'm sorry, boss," Reno said, kneeling down next to him. "I whacked you in the chest, didn't I?"

Tseng nodded painfully, slowly pulling himself into a sitting position and struggling a bit to breathe. Yuffie was confused for a moment, then suddenly remembered the way they'd found the former leader of the Turks near death from a deep sword wound in the Temple of the Ancients. It had been about a year since then, but clearly the injury was still effecting him. He was lucky to even be alive, she knew, frowning with concern.

Reno stayed at his friend's side, serious for once, ignoring the fact that his arms and forehead were bleeding. Tseng remained pale and shaken for long moments, Marlene looking on almost tearfully. Yuffie put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, and the little girl glanced up at her for reassurance. She nodded and smiled, though she was still quite worried herself.

Tseng was tough, however, as the fact that he'd survived the nasty wound at all would attest. Reno helped him to his feet and he took a deep breath, then calmly proceeded to brush the dirt from his clothing as if nothing had happened.

Yuffie sighed with relief, but frowned in thought as she reflected on their situation. Now _both_ of her charges had almost gotten killed over a kite. She was feeling a bit less than epic.

"Are you alright, Mister Tseng?" Marlene asked quietly, her stranded kite long forgotten.

He nodded, forcing a slight smile. "Yes, thank you," he said, still sounding a bit winded. He did his best to stand tall, hiding his pain like the professional he'd always been.

Satisfied, the little girl next turned her eyes to Reno, studying him with apparent worry. "Do you need a band aid, Mister Reno? You have some booboos."

"Nah, I'm good," Reno said, looking down at his new wounds. At least they made all the bee stings less noticeable. He wiped the blood from his arms onto his shirt, which was now torn at the neck.

"Mister Reno?"

"Yeah, kid?" he replied absently, looking up into the tree and trying to figure out another way to accomplish the task at hand.

"What's a cunt?"

Reno's eyes almost fell out of his head. Yuffie gasped in horror, and she could have sworn she heard Tseng swear in Wutaiin under his breath as he glared at the redhead.

"Uhhhh… I uh… shi- CRAP!"

"Good job," Tseng said, shaking his head. "I am going to have to have a _long _talk with Elena about some of her decisions…"

Yuffie didn't know what he meant by that, but Reno looked hurt for a moment before turning back to Marlene with dread. Her innocent eyes were bright and curious as she stared at him, awaiting the answer.

"It's um…" Reno was bright red with embarrassment, stumbling over his words and nervously running a hand through his hair. He paused, shakily lighting a cigarette and winning another disgusted sigh from Tseng. "See, Marlene, sometimes… Sometimes when guys… Er… BAD guys… get angry, we-"

"Oooh… I get it!" she suddenly exclaimed, nodding with enthusiasm as she studied him. "You're just like Uncle Cid! Daddy says I'm not s'posed to say _anything_ he does, and that _those_ things," she paused, pointing to the cigarette and making a face, "will make me grow up to be really ugly and stupid!"

Yuffie burst out laughing at the sad expression that crossed Reno's face. Tseng was snickering as he pretended to be studying the tree. Thankful for the rescue from his slip, however, Reno soon nodded his agreement, grinning crookedly.

"Yeah… You _definitely_ don't wanna grow up to be like me or Cid, yo. Good girl."

"Rare words of wisdom," Tseng muttered.

Reno finished his cigarette and tossed it into a bush, then sighed heavily. "Now forget you _ever_ heard me say that, or your Daddy might kill me, okay?"

Marlene nodded agreeably, as if she were used to such requests.

"Um, so yeah… about your kite," Reno continued, glancing back up into the tree. "I think maybe we won't be able to get it down after all."

Marlene's face fell, and her bottom lip began to quiver as tears filled her eyes. Reno seemed unmoved, not wanting to face the angry bird again, but to Yuffie's surprise Tseng actually appeared bothered by the girl's disappointment.

"Please don't cry. I'll see if I can get it down," he said, a determined look in his eyes. "Reno, help me get up there."

"Er… are you sure? That bird is still there, and… You know, you're kinda getting a little old to be climbing trees, boss."

Reno smirked mischievously as Tseng glared at him.

"I can't possibly do a worse job than you did."

"Fine," he shrugged. "It's your funeral. I'll tell Elena you went down fightin'!"

Marlene watched hopefully as Reno boosted Tseng up into the tree, clasping her hands together before her in anticipation. Yuffie looked on in surprise at how quickly and agilely the older Turk climbed, as if he did it every day and wasn't a day over twenty. When he reached the branch on which the nest was perched, he simply ignored it, and the mother bird returned the favor. Reno muttered under his breath and shook his head in annoyance.

"Show off… Seriously, every damn time."

"Maybe he's just better than you," Yuffie taunted, almost as excited as Marlene when Tseng reached the kite and slowly began to untangle it. Soon, with the freed toy in hand, he climbed down and jumped the last five feet to the ground. The little girl clapped excitedly, eagerly reaching out to accept her kite with a wide grin.

"Oh, thank you so much, Mister Tseng!" she cried, launching herself at him in a fierce hug. He looked stunned, staring down at the top of her head for a moment, before a slow smile crossed his face.

"No, thank _you_… for the practice," he said quietly. Marlene looked confused for a moment, then smiled back before running off toward her home.

It took Yuffie a moment to understand what Tseng had meant, studying him as he watched the girl go, appearing deep in thought.

_Of course… _Soon, he would have a little girl of his own to retrieve lost toys for, she realized. It was something she'd never have been able to picture before, but suddenly, she found herself thinking about how lucky his daughter already was. _Her_ father had never done much of anything but scold her when she was a child. Yuffie quickly shook her head, not wanting her dark thoughts to ruin the day. They had just been successful once again, after all!

Reno was leaning against the tree smoking again, a bit offended at having been slighted. But he, too, was closely watching Tseng as if he shared Yuffie's thoughts. A moment of awkward silence filled the air, and she finally cleared her throat and removed the wrinkled list of tasks from her pocket.

"We're making good progress, guys," she said when she had their attention again. "Let's see what's next!"

* * *

><p>((<strong>Author's Notes: <strong>Reno says he's sorry for dropping the 'c' word. Well, no, he's not really. Anyway. Hopefully this was a good mix of humor and actual characterization. I never like to do anything just outright silly without SOME substance. If you enjoyed the chapter and like this fic, please let me know by leaving a review! Otherwise I see all these visitors and worry that 99% of them thought it sucked, haha. It motivates me to know I am not the only one laughing and having fun with this. Thanks a million! ~ JenesisX))


End file.
